• It takes your food 7 seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
• The average man's penis is 3 times the length of his thumb.
• Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• Women reading this will be finished now.
• Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs

_____________________________________________________

Christmas at the Races
 
  Riding the favourite at Cheltenham racetrack, a jockey was well ahead
      of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string
  of
      sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back
      into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a
      dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he
      managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on
      the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a
      Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
      He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been
  seriously    hampered.

  __________________________________

King Wenceslas rings up Pizza Hut on Christmas Eve:
   
      "It's King Wenceslas here, I'd like a pizza delivered"
   
      "Will that be the usual order sir?"
   
      "Yes - Deep Pan, crisp and even"

____________________________________________ 

  Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny
afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was
wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart
wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to
course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said:
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the
like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds
begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your
new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was
gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in
her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant
in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stars in their eyes
 
 
  A bloke called Simon goes on Stars in Your Eyes with Matthew Kelly.
  Kelly says to him 'You were meant to be on here 18 months ago Simon, what
  happened?'
  Simon replies, 'Well Matthew, my uncle and I were on our way here when
  we had a tragic car accident. My uncle was killed and I lost both my arms
  and legs.'
  'That's awful' says Kelly, 'But there is something good to come out of
  this isn't there?'
  'Yes' says Simon, 'at the hospital they were doing a pioneering limb
  transplant operation, so they transplanted my uncles arms and legs on to
  me.'
  Kelly is astounded and the audience applauds. 'That is amazing. We're
  delighted to have you here finally. And Simon, who are you going to be for
      us tonight?'
  And Simon says

    .
  'Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half Uncle.'

  _____________________________ 

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies.  The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 
 

My personal favourite:

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed? )

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
the lady I stole the purse from. "

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a. m. , flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home
near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

**Only we of British background will appreciate this:

Apparently these are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.