Australian Court Docket, #12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.   The case came up in court.   The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.   The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that  said, ' Logan 's Liniment will educe the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."   "CASE DISMISSED!"

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an  unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the  perfect gift.
 
  "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply  hold    a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner lit a match under the parrot's left foot and Chet began to  sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! " The shop owner then held another  match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the
air  was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night."
 
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as    quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. 

When the wife saw her gift    she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" 
  "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." 

So the  young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,  as    the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle    Bells!..." 

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out  came: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
 
Then the wife, with her face filled with curiosity, asked, "What if we  hold the lighter between his legs?"
 
The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his    wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his  face,  cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was  the    performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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Christmas at the Races
 
  Riding the favourite at Cheltenham racetrack, a jockey was well ahead
      of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string
  of
      sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back
      into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a
      dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he
      managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on
      the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a
      Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
      He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been
  seriously    hampered.

  __________________________________

King Wenceslas rings up Pizza Hut on Christmas Eve:
   
      "It's King Wenceslas here, I'd like a pizza delivered"
   
      "Will that be the usual order sir?"
   
      "Yes - Deep Pan, crisp and even"

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  Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny
afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was
wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart
wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to
course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said:
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the
like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds
begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your
new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was
gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in
her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant
in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"

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Stars in their eyes
 
 
  A bloke called Simon goes on Stars in Your Eyes with Matthew Kelly.
  Kelly says to him 'You were meant to be on here 18 months ago Simon, what
  happened?'
  Simon replies, 'Well Matthew, my uncle and I were on our way here when
  we had a tragic car accident. My uncle was killed and I lost both my arms
  and legs.'
  'That's awful' says Kelly, 'But there is something good to come out of
  this isn't there?'
  'Yes' says Simon, 'at the hospital they were doing a pioneering limb
  transplant operation, so they transplanted my uncles arms and legs on to
  me.'
  Kelly is astounded and the audience applauds. 'That is amazing. We're
  delighted to have you here finally. And Simon, who are you going to be for
      us tonight?'
  And Simon says

    .
  'Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half Uncle.'

  _____________________________ 

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX       
Two men were talking.  "So, how's your sex life?"  "Oh,  nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."  "Social Security sex?"    "Yeah, you know I get a little each month, but not enough to liveon!"  ________________________________ 

LOUD SEX    A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets outthis ear splitting yell."    "My dear," the  shrink said, "that's  completely natural. I don't seewhat the problem is."  "The problem is,"  she complained, "it wakes me up!"  ________________________________ 

QUIET SEX  Tired of a listless sex life, the man came  right out and asked hiswifeduring a recent lovemaking session,    "How come you never tell me whenyou have an orgasm?"  She  glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" 

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CONFOUNDED  SEX      A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled andtorn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine couldgive him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover thesurgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the costwouldbe $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."  The man  was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctorurgedhim to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.  Themancalled his wife on the phone and explained their options. The  doctorcame back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.    "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.  the man  answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."     

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX  A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of  their 40thwedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm  gettingyoua headstone that reads:    'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."      "Yeah," she  replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone  thatreads:    Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At  Last.'"     

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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS  SEX    My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will makeyou happy tonight."  He was right.  When he went out of the  bedroom, I squirted it alloverthe doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.     

________________________________ 

ELDERLY  SEX    One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92yearold husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended uppushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted livingapartment . Killing him instantly.  Brought before  the court on  charge of murder, the judge asked her ifshe had anything to say in her defense.  She began coolly, "Yes, yourhonor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly"

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies.  The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 
 

My personal favourite:

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed? )

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
the lady I stole the purse from. "

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a. m. , flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home
near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

_____________________________________

Council Complaints - British Humour

**Only we of British background will appreciate this:

Apparently these are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Story about Getting Even.......... One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

The Camel


The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. 

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. 

That's why we have the camel, sir." 

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." 

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. 

He found it difficult to reach and shouted out to the sergeant to fetch him a stool.   

The sergeant returned with the stool and was astonished to see his captain without his pants trying to keep the camel still.

  "Is that how the men do it?" 

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. 

"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."